* Don't whip the horses until you've got a good hold on the reins.
* When you are up to your neck in alligators, you may forget that you were just trying to drain the swamp.
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
* The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
* Health nuts are going to feel silly someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
* I plan to live forever. So far, so good...
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
* Meanness doesn’t happen overnight.
* Never miss a good chance to be quiet.
* If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then, to make sure it's still there with you.
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* If you think nobody cares about, try missing a couple of car payments.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
* The second day of a diet is a lot easier than the first. By the second day, you have given up.
* In a country with free speech, why are there phone bills?
* When in doubt, cop an attitude.
* You know you've overstayed your welcome when folks start staying things like, "So what are we going to do about Plunkett?" and you're still there?
* Why is the Midwest in the middle of America, but the Mideast is on the other side of the world?
* Is a vegetarian allowed to eat animal crackers?
* If I ever lose my mind, I hope some honest person finds it and turns it in.
* I am not afraid of heights. However, I am afraid of falling from heights.
* The caterpillar does all the work - but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
* When somebody says, "Clean as a whistle" they forget that whistles are covered with saliva.
* Electricity is really well-organized lightning.
* One player on the Boston Red Sox would be called a "Sock."
* How technologically advanced can we be if our two greatest problem-solving approaches are: turning the computer on and off; and jiggling the toilet handle?
* An observation: "Filipino" starts with an "F" but "Philippines" starts with "Ph."
* I'm not an organ donor, but I once donated a used piano to the church.
* Did you ever feel like the whole world was a new tuxedo - and you were a brown suit with loafers?
* The older the river, the more wildly it flows.
* I believe strongly in looking reality straight in the eye...and then denying it.
* They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
* It's a pretty shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.
* Just because you're unique doesn't necessarily mean you're useful.
* To err is human; to forgive divine. Neither of them is the policy of the U.S. Military.
* Maturity, wisdom, life experiences...I'd trade it all for a set of killer abs.
* I'll bet it's really lonely being right all the time.
* Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.
* If you can't stand the heat, don't tickle the dragon.
* Never meddle in the affairs of dragons...remember that you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
* A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do...but a woman doesn't have to stand there and laugh at him.
* Life is tough; but it's a lot tougher when you ignore good advice.
* My day isn't done until I've amused a complete stranger.
* I may not be right, but I can sure sound like it.
* Deadlines make me giggle.
* Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?
* Whenever I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I hope it's the bathroom.
* I often take the road less traveled...that way I get to work on time.
* "because I said so" is a perfectly good reason when you are dictator.
* He who doesn't cook better not complain.
* Always be sincere, even if you don't really mean it.
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
* If no one ever took risks, then Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine Chapel's floor.
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* The biggest difference between a wise person and a fool sometimes comes down to how you spend your very last dollar.
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
* Sometimes you just don't have any idea how easy you are sliding down the pole of life until someone either carves up a splinter or greases the pole.
* Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
* If you don't know anything about history, you don't know anything. You are the same as a leaf that doesn't know it was part of a tree.
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
* If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
* Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
* People who are obnoxious rarely know it at the time.
* Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
* At the Lipton Tea Company, do the employees take coffee breaks?
* Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
* When in doubt, just take the next small step.
* Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* What other people think of you is none of your business.
* No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
* When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me…they're cramming for their final exam.
* Manners will get you where money won't.
* Where else but in America would developers start a new neighborhood by bulldozing all the trees...and then name the new streets after them?
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.
* Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
* My mother always told me that the worse thing you can say about someone is, '"he meant well."
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, and both my grandparents.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty, and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors. But...they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is someone who can either enjoy the scenery on a detour or who can notice the flowers while stuck in heavy traffic..
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Always read the stuff that will make you look really smart in case you pass out in the middle of reading it.
* Never corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* Drive carefully. Remember it's not only the cars that can be recalled by their makers.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see him again, it was probably a good investment.
* I have decided that it may be my sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
* It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* If you put both feet in your mouth, you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
* Some mistakes are just too much fun to make only once.
* [Said after watching my gym class perform a line dance I taught them] "Now I know how Dr. Frankenstein felt when the monster got off the table."
* Don't interfere with something that isn’t bothering you.
* Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
* I think everyone should laugh really hard every day...it's like jogging for your insides.
* If at first you don't succeed, name your next effort "Version 2.0" and keep going.
* If men run the world, they why can't most of them stop wearing neckties? I mean, how intelligent is it to begin each day by tying a noose around your neck?
* The very best way to forget all your troubles is to wear really tight shoes.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
* Random insanity is my only real means of relaxation.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
* If you're going to be wrong, be wrong at the top of your lungs.
* Behind every silver lining, there's a cloud.
* If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
* When in doubt, mumble.
* Next time you're in a large crowd, remember the law of averages; that means half the people you see are smarter than you and half are dumber. Sorta scary, isn't it? Now think about this: over 500 people are in Congress (just got REALLY scary, didn't it?).
* Saying that you are a Christian because you go to church makes as much sense as standing proudly in the garage and saying you're a car.
* The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
* Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
* The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble
* Never look for trouble...it will probably find you anyway.
* There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* Every mighty oak tree was once a nut that held its ground...this gives me hope.
* The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
* I have no idea how to make someone love reading; however, I know every single way to make someone hate it.
* You want to know what's wrong with education in our country? We just can't stand to spend money on teaching and learning. We spent billions on everything around it, but we just can't put it where it should be: in teacher salaries and benefits. We spend it on replacing the same roof eight times in ten years; we spend it on textbooks that sit on the shelves. We spend it on non-teaching salaries that have absolutely NOTHING to do with teaching a single child. We spend it on university programs that do nothing to prepare future teachers. Here's a thought: let's spend it on teacher salaries, REAL salaries. Let's try throwing a little money at the problem...we've never really done that before.
* Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
* The generation we are teaching now will someday be doing the work that drives our economy. I plan to take good care of them, nurture them, try to teach them, and make sure they have some job skills. I don't want to spend one second in this country if our children grow up to be stupid and lazy. I want them hard-working and smart. THAT will drive our economy in my old age!
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; what conclusion can I draw from this?
* Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
* Why is it that we choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for Miss America?
* Calories are a measure of heat, right? This is a basic scientific principle. So if you follow this line of thinking, ice cream would be a great way to lose weight. Cold pizza? Less calories than hot pizza. Hot apple pie? Just add a scoop of vanilla ice cream and watch the pounds melt away.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
* Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
* If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
* No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
* If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
* I have never been considered one of the "cool" teachers...so I settled for being considered one of the "good" ones.
* Don't worry about what people think...they don't do it very often anyway.
* If you can think logically, you can also provide a nice contrast to the real world.
* A truly balanced diet means a piece of pizza in each hand.
* Experience is a wonderful thing...it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Little kids don't have a clue that they can't "do" computers. If you ask a room full of 5-year olds, "who can make this computer work?", everyone of them will raise their hand and say, "I can!" (Of course...if you ask a room full of 5-year olds, "How many of you can fly a spaceship?" they will all raise their hands for that too.) They have no fear; they don't know that they can't do it. Adults, on the other hand, know good and well that they can't "do" computers. They put themselves down by saying things like "I'm a computer failure" or "computers hate me" or "I'm too old to learn them." Even though adults know they can be trained, their prior experience gets in the way. I wish everyone could go back to having the same confidence as 5-year olds have every day. It just might lead to improved Presidential candidates.
* Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case
* Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
* Many folks want to serve God but only as advisors.
* It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
* The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
* When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
* People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
* Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
* Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
* If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
* God does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
* Some minds are like concrete - thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
* Peace starts with a smile.
* I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
* A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
* We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
* All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
* If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
* If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
* Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - God will clean them.
* Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
* Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
* Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
* Forbidden fruits create many jams.
* God doesn't call the qualified; God qualifies the called.
* God grades on the cross, not the curve.
* God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!'
* God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
* He who angers you, controls you!
* If God is your co-pilot - swap seats!
* Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
* We don't change the message, the message changes us.
* You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
* If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
* If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.